Gone With The Wind

I was fortunate yesterday to grab some time for myself, and managed to watch the movie "Gone With the Wind".

Gone With The Wind is an American historical epic movie based on a novel of Margaret Mitchell's novel of the same name.  The film received 10 Academy Awards.

The movie was long- 3 hrs 44 minutes.  If I knew it initially, i would have been a little discouraged to watch it seeing what little time we women have at home for ourselves.  But, it was good that I didn't know! So I had to see it till the end and I slept late watching it.

The movie was great, needless to say.  It also figures amongst the 50 best romantic movies of all times. I am glad, I watched it. 

There was one thing, which struck me by the end of the movie, which speaks a lot about how our minds work, how relationships work.

Briefly, there is a love triangle in the movie which lasts for a lifetime.  A guy(lets call him the hero) is awed by this vivacious and spirited girl.  He also knows and acknowledges that she is pretty selfish, shrewd, clever and a little money minded.  He likes the girl's never say die attitude.  He admits to the girl at one point that since he himself is so selfish and shrewd, may be that's the reason why he loves her.  But the girl doesn't pay much heed to him... as she is already in love with a guy. But somehow, our hero persuades the girl to marry him, although he is aware about her basic nature, her love for another guy and has a feeling that the girl only loves his money and not him.

The point which struck me is that often we hate a person for the things, or traits, or habits or behaviour for which we had loved them at some point.  The guy knew very well about her free spirit, her ambitiousness, her courage, her charm which she often used to her advantage, her uninhibited display of her attraction towards the other guy .  But he goes ahead to marry this enigma.... only to be hating her for what she was later in his life.  And finally, he abandons her.

Have you ever felt so? Ever experienced that in your relationships?  Have you ever disliked the same thing you liked sometime in your loved one?  Share that with me. Personally, I have experienced it a number of times, and had wondered why?  The depiction of the characters in the movie brought out the thought again.  From "What a woman!" to "I don't give a damn to how you live now on" is a painful journey, which unravels the complexity of human minds.

If this thought struck a chord somewhere in your mind... do write to me.

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Saheb Biwi Aur Gangster - Movie Talk

Just when I started to believe that "Adult only" movie means abuses or crass language hurled in abundance in desi flavours of dilli, UP, Bihar, Mumbai ; Just when I thought "Adult only" means gore, bloodshed and violence, this movie surprised me as by the end of the movie I knew why this movie was rated only for adult viewers!  For the good old reason ie., having plenty of intimate scenes, the movie Saheb Biwi aur Gangster is rated only for "Adults". And thankfully its not Imran Hashmi doing the honours!

Talking about the title of the movie, I must admit that it is very unimaginative. It immediately reminds you of Saheb Biwi aur Gulam.  But the title does one favour on the movie! It actually lowered my expectation, but the movie came out to be a bomb!

 Just when you thought that 'Gangster' only means underworld and mafia with lots of guns (or katta) and no remorse, this movie surprises you with the gangster with a difference!

For a change, this movie is not a No Brainer!  Each and every character has been chiseled out well.  Each and every part of the story is well connected and does not disappoint you.  Nothing happens out of the blue, typical of Hindi movies; everything had a background and a reason, even how the gangster became a gangster is explained. 



Jimi Shergill showed the royal grace



Jimi Shergill as Saheb is suave, looks sophisticated and very hot.  He possesses that princely  grace which is required for his character.  Be it his attire (just loved his dressing style) or his body language, he stands out.  Mahie Gill made her mark in the movie.  She was admirable throughout the movie. Randeep Hooda acted well, but a more stunning guy with some X factor could have added more zing.  Deepal Shaw had a small role, and was a patakha, as far as her performance is concerned.

The intimate scenes were shot aesthetically. The subtle difference between the love making of two seasoned lovers and two people burning with the fire of body was portrayed beautifully. Hats off for that.

Jimi Shergill - intense and promising actor

The story takes twists and turns.  You can't manage to bat your eyelid for more than a fraction of a second or you will miss it!  All in all a very intelligent masala movie.

I don't like to write the story of the movie I watch, but definitely discuss about the questions it raised in my mind.

First, that when the chips of a man are down, he can not handle his woman or women well.    Women bear the brunt of being the wife or co-inhabiting a man who has lost the game of life, a man who is unsuccessful in his professional life.  Be it the alcoholic and slightly mentally disturbed wife of the Jimi Shergill or his mistress, whom he got killed barbarically by his wild canine that too after making love with her.

Second very striking aspect of human mind experienced in the movie was that when on one hand a woman tends to give all in love, a man always thinks of some gain out of the woman.  A woman who has surrendered herself cannot do more than that for his man, but for a man it's the beginning of garnering more and more material gains from her or through her.  Reminds me of typical Indian marriage system, where even today a girl is regarded as a passage to her father's wealth.

Randeep Hooda (lacks X factor) Mahie Gill was fabulous

Third, is about adultery, the taboo for Indian society (or is it not?).  The writing on the wall is that when a man strays it's because of his wife and when a woman strays, it's because of her character or rather lack of it.  And, in the adulterous relationship, it is the woman who is more responsible for everything, and it is the woman who has to and must bear the brunt of social stigma.  And, it's macho for the man. 

Fourth, Love in the times of MMS. When the love deprived 'biwi' Mahie Gill chooses to befriend her young driver Randeep Hooda (who is in the royal family for a purpose), the guy makes sure to make a video clip and sends it to the husband at the climax of the movie.  I was wondering why would a lover or an ex lover or a jilted lover do that?

Because he knows that even if Indian law holds only the man responsible for adultery, but in the social norms, it's the fault of the woman only.  (Indian Penal Code, Section 497 provides : “Whoever has sexual intercourse with a person who is and whom he known or has reason to believe to be the wife of another man, without the consent or connivance of that man, such sexual intercourse not amounting to the offence of rape, is guilty of the offence of adultery, and shall be punished with imprisonment of either description for a term which may extend to five years or with fine, or with both. In such a case the wife shall not be punishable as an abettor.)

Whatever the law says, but in the male dominated society like ours every man knows that pretty well, that the husband will spare the guy in question but will batter the wife to death for this, or else the social stigma will kill her everyday.

  

It's a must watch movie for mature as well as young people. It's got something for every age group. Above all, you feel proud that a bollywood masala movie can leave you awed!

Enjoy! and A Very Happy, Prosperous and Peaceful Diwali to all of you!

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Why Only Women Fast For Men??

Tomorrow is Karva Chauth and last year on this occasion I wrote a post "Karva Chauth - A Modern View On The Ancient Ritual " analyzing the rituals followed, the tale or tales behind the festival, the scope and myths attached to it.  The post was liked by many of my dear blogger pals and was also selected and picked up by AsiaMag.



A woman looks at the moon through a strainer on Karva Chauth

This year I have another question to ask.  Why is that only women fast in Indian society?  Why is it defined that way that women - be it the mother, the wife, the wife to be fasts for the health and life of her son, or husband or husband to be? 

I really don't want the male reader to think that I have a problem with women fasting for the men? But why is it that it has been preached by our religion, by our customs, through the folk lore, the myths that it's the woman who must abstain from food in order to be pious enough to pray for the man/men in her life?



Vrat Savitri Puja performed by women



As you know that  Karva Chauth is rampantly followed in North of India in which married women and engaged girls fast for their husbands or husband to be.  There is another fast for husband known as Vat Savitri Puja  which is mainly observed in Bihar, Uttar Pradesh, Delhi, Orissa and Maharashtra. Also, South Indian married ladies especially of Tamil Nadu and Karanataka observe festival with the different name as Karadaiyan Nonbu or Savitri Nonbu Vritham.

 When we are talking about the husband or the husband to be, then how can i forget the Solah Somwar Vrat ie. fasting for 16 Mondays in a row to appease Lord Shiva so as to get a good husband. 

 Not just for the husband , but Indian culture has many fasts for the well being of one's son or sons. Be it the Ahoi Mata fast or Ahoi Ashthami in which the mother fasts for the well being of her sons or the Chath Pooja where the mother or the elder woman of the family fasts and performs elaborate fasting, pooja etc for the welfare of the family.  (However, I have many acquaintance from Bihar and UP and they say that although it's for the family, but it's mostly for the son and so the mother fasts for the son.)

 

Chath puja

Does it not baffle you as to why different regions of our country prescribe different fasts and rituals for the welfare of our sons or husbands, but there is not even a single fast for the well being of the wife or the daughter!!!





Ahoi Mata picture in front of which mothers perform puja



Does it not amuse you as to how the women who fast for their men slog the whole day, cooking, cleaning, washing, serving food to other members of the family while she is hungry the whole day and at times without water? I don't think there is any consideration for this in our average Indian families.

What is it? Abstinence prescribed only for women for the sake of the males of the family? The energy of piousness of the woman to be used for the betterment of the family? Just what do the scriptures  and the rituals mean when they say WOMEN SHOULD FAST FOR MEN?

Or was it because earlier men worked and women stayed at home (and that is taken as no work!), so they could get into all this stuff to keep themselves busy? It sounds absurd to me.

Coming back to the most famous fast for married women - Karva Chauth. Have you, the men reading the post, ever fasted for your woman? At least skipped one meal on this day for her?

Or let me ask the women, have you ever asked or expected your husband to reciprocate your gesture?  Or have you slogged all day at office and home, helping your children with their homework and prepared dinner for the whole family?  Did this question ever cross your mind that love needs to be reciprocated by your partner, so why does he also not join you in fasting for a day?

Let me know what do you think about it? Feel free to share about any other ritual related to the post.

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PS: I remember a course mate of mine ( with whom I attended a training and the whole class got discussing this issue passionately) who fasts every year for his wife since then and calls or smses me to tell this to me every year!

Pati Patni Aur Tu!

Generally speaking, there is one striking similarity in the urban and the rural couples, of at least North India. The men address their wives as 'tu' (thou). 

Although English language generalizes the way we address all and sundry as 'you', it is the Hindi language which having got influenced by the Mughal dynasties and the Lucknowi andaaz holds three ways of addressing people depending on their age, status, intimacy and respectability as aap, tum and tu.

It's interesting to note that Ghalib wrote, "Teri mehfil mein aakar bade beaabroo hue/ Aap se tum aur tum se tu hue" (I humiliated myself in your company/ From aap, i became tum, and finally tu).

In this post, instead of generalizing the usage of the three words in the different relationships in society, i would like to stick to only couples - married or in a relationship.

In the beginning of a relationship, the men and the women stick to some kind of formal conversations.... some small talk.... trying to strike a conversation and mostly address each other as 'aap'.  As and if the closeness increases, 'aap' changes to 'tum' and  with time or with the feeling of permanency of the partner, it becomes 'tu'.  If the culmination of the relationship is marriage (which is not a reality now a days) the 'tu' is irreversible from the husband's side and the girlfriend turned wife has to mend her ways to shift back to 'aap'. 

The need to address the husband as 'aap' arises more because Indian wife won't use the first name of the husband.  Girls, at least till one decade back, would absolutely refrain from uttering their husband's name, even to call them.  Women would shyly or commandingly call out as 'suno', 'suniye' or the Bollywood auntiji and mummyji style 'maine kaha ji' or (worse!!) 'munnu ke papa' ie., referring to their young one!

There is a great great shift in the way girls are handling their hubbys now.  Most of my friends call out their husband's first name while talking to or referring to them. (Reminds me of a life insurance Advertisement where the young lady enters the home shouting (yeah literally shouting) "Sanjoo" many a times. First time i thought she was calling her pet dog! psst!). 'Eey ji , O ji, sunte ho ji, has been shooed out of the home (and the bedroom ) by ' honey' , 'sweet heart' and 'baby' (huff! that's a relief!!)

Talking about the men addressing their wives, the only person who comes to my mind is the old Hindi movie actor Om Prakash, who was always seen calling his on-screen wife as "Aree bhagyawaan, sunti ho?!" I think, all of us, in North India, have seen our parents sparingly using each other's names, except when they had to fill up some form!

Today, I find it very refreshing when I hear a man say the name of his wife while referring to something like "Ritu loves prawns... so taking some for her".  For me, addressing your partner by his or her name is like marrying the person and not the whole family. Girls were discouraged to use the husband's first name, as that would decrease the respect... and also the mother in law would feel that the girl is trying to overpower her son. Some such thoughts were behind the practice. Thankfully, the young couples are leaving them behind and cherishing togetherness and oneness like never before.

But, it's just 'tu' which hasn't changed in all these years.  I am not talking about a particular caste, or region, or less educated people, or not so well off people.  It's a trend just anywhere. Some use is all the time, and others would speak like that in anger, but a wife remains a 'tu'.

I asked a few men, as to why they can not address their wives as 'aap' or at least 'tum' when the women are respectful enough to them? Believe me, the question surprised them!! They were just not prepared for the question, so hard wired they were about the usage.

Someone said, 'tu' means we are close to each other. Someone said, we are like friends... don't friends address each other as 'tu'? Another MCP kind of man replied "so? should i address her as 'aap'? ye devi hai? pooja karoon iski?" (Is she some goddess? should i worship her as well?)

The answers spoke for themselves.

Although, there were exceptions, but they were few. But I was truly glad to hear from a friend how he always addressed his wife as 'aap', and the reason given was "if she respects me, why shouldn't I?"

Another exception is the young couple, who had a love marriage and were used to calling each other as 'tu' for a long time, and had to somehow give up using 'tu' in front of parents, (i am talking about the girl only)

Why am i so averse of the word 'tu' to be used for one's partner?

Ever heard a man speaking to the house maid as "toone kamra saaf kyu nahi kiya?" (why did thou not clean the room) and in the same breath saying "too jaldi se (shopping) list bana ke de" (thou make the shopping list) to his wife?

Interestingly, some time back, an Urdu teacher in Lahore divorced his young wife when she inadvertently called him "tum" instead of "aap"!

'Tu' is a strange word in our society, and here I'm talking about Delhi culture. When you want to show your superiority, say in front of a labourer or a rickshaw walla or a domestic maid - 'tu' is used maximum. When you want to show comradeship or bhaipanti, u say 'tu'.  When addressing God, some people out of closeness say 'tu' to God.  Elders used to address children as 'tu', which has changed now in educated households.

So, people use 'tu' either when they stand on equal footing (close friends) and unequal footing ( master - servant or God - human).  Unfortunately, marriage in India does not make women stand on an equal footing (proved further by the fact that women cannot address husband as 'tu') and women today are not ready for the unequal grounds in marriage.  The conflict that arises is of this sort.  It starts from language and goes much deeper and much widespread when it comes to equality in married couples.

Respect, like Love, needs to be reciprocated in committed relationships and men must avoid giving those funny logic of being close and intimate and therefore, they call out their wives as 'tu' even in public.  In fact, when a man says we are close (in this context) he almost means 'seen that been there and bored'. 

What do you think about it? Has 'tu' ever irked you the way it does to me? Do you find 'tu' normal? Have you ever told your husband how you feel being addressed as 'tu' or 'toone' or 'tujhe' in public?

Let me know



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What do you mean by a 'Slut'??

I hope you remember that Delhi witnessed the much talked about 'Slut Walk' in July 2011.  The title had some how been toned down by adding 'Arthat Besharmi Morcha' (means Shameless Walk). I think this was necessary.  Keeping in view the societal norms, it was wise to clarify what was it all about.

It's good that technology is being used to garner support for a common cause.  It's technology which is spreading word far and wide.  But, we must try and customize things as per our society, our cultural sensitivity.

Although I support this or any cause which talks of a good social change.  But in the same breath, I don't think the word 'SLUT' had anything to do with it.

As you know that it started in Canada, where a police officer said in a speech to university students "women should avoid dressing like sluts in order not to be victimized." It was surely unfair on this man's part to make such a comment, as he put the whole blame on the girl who doesn't dress appropriately.

What is the appropriate dress?

Isn't it different for different countries?  Forget about countries.  Even within a country like India, where the urban- rural divide is so huge that we cannot bring out a uniform code.  Now this whole issue gives birth to  a few questions.

Secondly the use of the word 'slut' doesn't hold the same meaning here in India.  It's meaning and perception is derogatory and could have been avoided.

Having said that, i checked the meaning and am writing my perception of the word also.

"A promiscuous female is sometimes pejoratively called a slut, while a promiscuous male is glamorized with names such as 'stud', 'ladies' man', etc"

Do you see the contrast? I'm sure you do!  This is the first reason why 'slut' could have been avoided.  The fight could have been on not being looked down upon by the society, in case a woman chooses to have intimate consensual relationship with men.   

My perception of the word 'Slut' -  was a 'prostitute'.  I'm sure many readers would agree that if they didn't check up the dictionary, they would believe that slut means a prostitute. 

For this reason as well, the word must have been avoided.  Because, even a prostitute is in a profession.  No girl can be in such a profession out of choice, rather most often than not, she would be forced to sell her body for money, which may be needed by her family.  So before carrying placards or making your body a canvas to write "SLUT" on it, it's better to think about it first.  Are you not insulting another set of women, in order to achieve your goal?

Thirdly, what I've understood of the the whole scenario is that "slut' word has been used to first soften down the meaning, by making it a slang.  What purpose does it solve, I wonder?  We all know how the word 'bitch' has lost its derogatory tone in last 10 years or so.  It was shocking for me 2 years back to hear two giggling teenager girls calling 'bitch' to each other.  We now know, it doesn't hurt that much.

Are we trying to do the same to "slut"? Can you find any reason? let me know!

Fourthly, I read the views of an author that, the shock which is intended by using such a word in our conservative society is intentional.  It's a rebellion of the social nature.  When you want to shock your people, you do it by doing something weird.  Remember that young girl of India, who paraded in her undergarments to the police station to report about her in-laws who were harassing her? 

Somehow, it didn't shock me.  It kind of left me thinking that a little more indigenisation  could have been done to the word 'slut' for this walk against the social evil of blaming the victim as the catalyst of the crime thrust upon her.

I support the cause wholeheartedly.  And I wish that this article may be read when this event is organized in other places in India.  If possible, pl share it.

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The muFFin Generation!

There is a definite visible change in the body structure of urban Indians, especially youngsters, that makes me write this.  I don't want to offend anyone. But, surely want to draw attention to that increasing width of waist, which manages to protrude out of T-shirts, tops and Kurtas alike.

 



The muffin and the muffin top

I'm talking about the accumulation of fat around the waist, specially visible on both sides of the  waist, seen from the front.  The body ie torso then looks like an inverted muffin. 



Our body stores fats, which is a normal thing, as it has to prepare itself for exigency conditions when we can be deprived of food and hence works as a store house for emergency.  Now, where do we store the fat in our body depends on many factors, and I've read that it's mostly our genes which decide whether we'll have that thick neck and well padded shoulders, or heavy thighs or bottom or well rounded arms (seen in women) or it would be the waist area.

Life style also plays an important role in deciding where we put on that fat.  Needless to say, we are a lazy generation, button generation, couch potatoes - earlier glued to TVs and now stuck to PCs and gadgets.  We love our fast food like God.  I feel very surprised when I see young people grabbing a pack of potato chips and a soft drink when hungry, my children being no exception.  It's so fashionable to be hanging out at a popular fast food joint and ordering junk food.  (I too like it very much, but I know when to treat myself and when to stick to home cooked simple food).

So, the final line is that due to such factors, a whole generation ( the urban, i mean) has a strange body type, which is not at all flattering.  Add to it the beer guzzling habits, most young boys have a beer belly.  Now, if you observe the bodies of men and women now, you'll find that since all the fat is going to the waist line and tummy area, the bum is shrinking... and that can be a party pooper!! Girls wearing a Saree without a well balanced figure (read bulged tummy, thick waist, and no bottom) can be devastating.  The same happens with both guys and girls when they are in western dresses.



The muffin top must have got its name due to this body shape!



The changed life style has affected the hormones too.  Now the age of puberty for girls has gone down.  Girls are attaining puberty at the age of 8-9, due to various environmental factors and obesity.  And this shift has come in last 15 years or so.

Don't want to give you a "hamare zamane me moment" (!!!) but, since girls were expected to work at home assisting the mother and junk food was not at all prevalent, girls were very lean and slim till the time they were married.  But thanks to the myths related to pregnancy, they would collect fats all over their bodies during child bearing and rearing age.

So guys, think about it. Have junk food but remember that should only be meant to reward yourself, pleasure yourself or for celebration time.  For rest of the times having light and nutritious food is the best bet. 

If you love yourself, feed yourself well.  Eat food for your tummy and not your tongue!

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Kanya Pujan -A View On The Hindu Ritual of Virginity and Divinity

With each passing year I'm finding Kanya Pujan (or Kanjak) meaningless.  With each passing year, I'm getting more and more disinterested in this Hindu ritual, when on a given day, we have to worship small virgin girls.  And this year, for the first time, I was vocal about my thoughts to my family.

In the following paras, I have elaborated about the ritual, the legend behind it, and its religious importance.  If you already know it, you can jump to Changing times and Kanya Pujan (below)

What is Kanya Pujan?  

Hindus observe Navratras (meaning nine holy nights) and during these days they worship Goddess Durga.  On each day one of the nine dimensions of the Goddess are worshipped.  On the eighth and ninth day,  virgin girls till the age of puberty and the one's who have not attained puberty, are worshipped.  This ritual is called Kanya Pujan (meaning worshipping the girl). 



Goddess Durga

The Legend of Kanya Puja -

As per the Hindu scriptures, Kumari Puja is observed to rememorize the demolition of the demon Kalasura by the Goddess Maha Kali. Legend tells that the demon Kolasura occupied the heavens and the earth. All Gods were helpless and tired with the bad actions of Kolasura. They approached Goddess Mahakali for help. The goddess was born again as Goddess Durga Devi and demolished Kolasura. Devotees perform dances and special aartis during the celebration of Kumari Pooja.

Why a virgin girl (who has not attained puberty) is worshipped?

Hinduism believes in the universal creative forces to be feminine gender. The very original force is Mahamaya whose inspiration created the gods and the rest of the cosmos. The inspiration is the life force of the entire creation. All the major and minor energies and forces are represented by various goddesses. Thus, a virgin girl is the symbol of the pure basic creative force according to this philosophy.



Girls worshipped and fed as Kanjaks

In a kanya (virgin girl)  the great feminine potential is at its peak. Having developed into a girl of a certain age and before attaining puberty, a female child is considered the most auspicious, the most clear minded and clear souled individual.

While invoking the parashakti in such a form the purity of mind body and spirits is required and is fulfilled by a girl child of the said age of 8+ before reaching puberty. Such a female child is indeed Devi, who in her later life takes the roles of Parvati as a wife and mother, Lakshmi as a housewife, Saraswati as the first guru of her children, Durga as the destroyer of all obstacles for her family, Annapurna as the food provider through her cooking, Kali as the punisher to bring the members of the family on the right track, so on and so forth...

Where all in India is it observed? What's the ritual?

Some of the regions in India that observe Kanjak Ashtami are Chandigarh, Haryana, Punjab, Uttarakhand and Himachal Pradesh.

Ritual - 5 or 7 or 11 small girls from the neighbourhood are invited at home.  The lady of the house performs the ritual with the help of other people in the family.  The feet of girls (referred as Kanjaks) are washed with milk and water, vermilion tilak is applied on the forehead, Mouli (the holy thread) is tied on their wrist.  They are offered delicious food, traditionally - Poori, Halwa and Chana, and some gifts and money.  Lastly, the couple touches the feet of the Kanjaks and take their blessings.

In eastern states like Bengal , Assam , Orissa and parts of Bihar the ritual is a bit different . Ritual - A single girl is chosen from Brahmin caste with auspicious signs and pleasant looks to be decorated as a goddess . Then she is brought to the place where worship of Devi has already been going on and the rituals are then conducted on her . She is offered all the sixteen items of worships and showered with lavish gifts to please her , like chocolates , dresses , jewellery , toys , cosmetics etc .

Changing times and Kanya Pujan -

First of all, due to skewed sex ratio in most the northern Indian States or I don't know for what reason, finding young girls in many localities is a difficult thing.  Secondly, as its regular school days, so all the kids are off to school.  The only strata left out from schooling is the children of maids and other unskilled labours, who live in some slum or urban village (as we call them) around. (Definitely, it talks about the conscience of convenience that we all have.  That day, we don't mind that these under privileged kids are not going to school).

Honestly speaking, inviting those unwashed, unclean kids with tattered clothes and unkempt hair and an equally repulsive odour to your place can be quite cumbersome.  And following the ritual with true devotion can be very challenging or you have to be religiously religious for it... I doubt how many of us would be doing that.... I'm sure most of us serve food and offer money to them with pity than with the great bhakti bhavana (religious feelings).

Finally, the only option left with a busy, working couple, is to cook all the dishes and go to the nearest temple to either give to the priest to distribute to small girls during the course of the day or again find some small beggar girl and give the food and money to her.  We ultimately resort to giving alms or best put - to beggary.

This was about the ritualistic part only, which makes it worthless in my eyes.  Femininity as divinity is only fashionable thing to say, nothing more than that.

Talking about why I'm so uninterested now is because of one apparent reason, which does not need any elaboration.  The ever growing violence against females - foeticide, infanticide, sexual abuse of minor girls (Digital rape is a new term I came to know about), rape, sexual offenses, ill treatment because of the gender. 

This year, while I walked towards the temple to offer the food etc for Kanjaks, the news of a three year old girl, raped and killed, kept banging in my head. I bowed my head in front of the idol of the goddess Durga and came back soon..... how does it matter whether some people worship the girls.... they actually don't need them.

RESTLESS

pics coutesy: google images

What Is Your Definition Of A Good Girl?

I am somewhat irked... somewhat curious... somewhat baffled when I ask this question from you, dear reader. Especially if you are a man, then you are my target today! I want to ask the men readers and co-bloggers around that what is their definition of a "good girl"? And you know what I mean when I say this!

This term suddenly was hurled upon me, as a question, by a friend of mine while we were watching the move "No one Killed Jessica".  First about the lady (I prefer, girl!), she is my age and a mother and belongs to a small town of Northern India, but settled in Delhi for quite a few years now.  No, the aim of telling you about her background is not that I want to typecast people from different cities with different labels, but this was important for me to tell, so that you understand why she asked, what she asked me during the course of the movie.

If you have seen the movie, you know the character of Rani Mukherjee, who plays a fiery journalist - practical, career oriented but has a heart to help out the Sabrina Lal (played by Vidya Balan).  She plays the "now" girl - lives a fast paced life with no time for a boy friend or love, so to specific. She uses cuss words at the drop of a hat, or even without it... she makes you sit up and think... and soon you feel.. yes... girls are becoming like this now.

Now, during the movie, there is a scene where she is close and intimate with a guy, of course she is not in a relationship, it seems to be a casual fling. And during the act, she gets a call from her office and, yes the girl knows her priorities, and she drops the guy like hot potato (well literally!) and zips out of the room. The poor guy asks "so what am I supposed to do?" and pat comes the reply "fly solo"!!!!  The cinema hall echoed with a laughter listening to this! Not that everyone understood it so quickly, but the context was clear.

Now, at this point, this friend of mine asks me "what is 'fly solo'?" (!!!) and I was like.....!!!! well leave that!!

As the movie progressed, my friend asks me one question - "Oh, ok, that means Rani in this movie is not a good girl?" (What would you have said, dear reader?!) Well, I said, "well, yes, she is not a good girl traditionally speaking, but she is ( I wanted to say today's girl, but I said)... not a.. well good girl". (I knew I was not wanting to say what she is not prepared to hear, and I am in no mood to explain or argue anything with her at that time, so I just shut up).

The movie ended, but her question kept ringing a bell in my head... was she really not a good girl? How was she a bad girl - yes, she smokes, she must a social drinker, has casual sex and has no qualms about it, but works hard for her career, as a journalist, up to the level of being a social icon, reporting from Kargil (OK that was her profession) but then taking up a case for a bigger good of the society, ie Jessica Lal  murder case.  I could really not say she was bad.

I am actually very very intrigued thinking about what makes a girl good in our Indian society? I was a bit irritated earlier, but now as I'm thinking about it, I'm intrigued.

I remember my mother used to say good girls don't reply back, they are sobre and simple, they make oily plaits (!) with no trace of make up at all, before marriage that is, no kajal, don't even think of a lipstick., forget about any kind of western wear when you go to college. Girls don't laugh out loud, they keep their volume low while talking, they know how to cook and stitch (phew!!!) and above all they know how to talk respectfully with elders.  Was I good as per her criteria, I tried hard but I think I didn't fit her bill !

I also remember, how guys used to say those days, you can have a girl friend who wears short clothes and is fun loving and sexy and hot, but when it comes to marriage, choose a girl, or else let your parents choose a girl who is simple(read wear suits) and homely (read cooks and stitches etc) and is not really career oriented. So the rules of a desirable girl were different for a girl friend and a wife. 

It was all so clear cut that time, well defined.  But today, I see things changing, even the definition of a good girl changing... don't you think so? 

I want to shut up now! I want to hear from you dear reader, what is your definition of a good girl? What qualities you would like to see in a girl whom you think would be desirable for you? How do you see abusive language used by women today ( I'm talking about words like f**k etc which I guess is quite ingrained in this generation's lingo).  How do you see your woman if she chooses to drink liquor along with you, just for example? How do you see things in these changed perspectives of society?

Do let me know what is your definition of a "Good Girl"??

RESTLESS

pic courtesy :http://www.movieupdates.in/

Rape - Do You Feel Hot About It?

It is said that the way the women of a particular region, or country, are kept and treated tells a lot about the men of that place.  Take your mind off to all those places of our country or the world where atrocities on women are common and then think about their men.  This is true everywhere.  Although, in the same breath, I would add that we cannot  make any sweeping generalizations about these gender roles or functions in a society.  But, in a broad way, the education, the health state and over all personality development of women folk depends a lot on the men in their life - be it the father, the brother, the husband, the employer etc.  Also, in this blogosphere, where often you are taken by your words with the spirit behind the words taking a back seat, let me clarify here that I am, in no way, undermining the capabilities and potential of women and I'm not saying that women cannot do anything without their men.

Having said that, let me share with you an incident, which gave me a glimpse of how men, some men, a big proportion of men of our society see women.

It was a perfect winter evening, me and my spouse were invited to a small party of friends.  We were the new couple there, as we were just introduced to this wealthy punjabi business class family and their three more family friends through our common close friends. The occasion was was an eve before the host's son's engagement (called "Roka" in punjabi). The engagement was to follow the next morning, and here we were sitting in their large drawing room, which had a well stocked bar at one corner and drinks were flowing and kebabs were being served.

I was sitting on the corner of the huge sofa, almost sunk in it, sipping from my glass of juice.  The setting was exactly the way it is in Punju families - women cluster together discussing sarees and jewellery and the beauty packages available in the leading beauty clinics.... in between the mother of the would-be groom would tell how the girl looks like.  And on the other side of the hall, almost covering half of it, were the men... spread like kings..... and discussing everything from stock market to scams to even religion and politics.

I, like a good guest, smiled and sat pretty, nicely clad in my choodidar and kurta.  I was attentive towards the women's chit chat and I especially liked the way the lady described her would-be daughter-in-law - "she is a doctor..... knows how to cook.... and can drive a car too......and is so fair.... so beautiful..... it's a combination of traditional and modern".  I was impressed too, listening to it. And, there the men went on taking a dig on the self styled spiritual Gurus!  "Ah, that was of my interest really!" I thought, shifting slightly to participate in that topic. I was a new entrant, so I just wanted to hear them out... I was quiet... but enjoying it. The discussion took a turn, as they began talking about the law and order situation of Delhi.....and how life is not to safe now a days in the Capital.

I got distracted by the women's talks as the to be mother-in-law (MIL) told that she is going to wear a red coloured saree for the Engagement ceremony.  Now-a-days, when even brides are looking for more sophisticated colours for their bridal wear, a Mom-in-law wearing a red, blood red coloured saree was a big, but pleasant surprise for me.  The lady, of course was pretty and quite young to be a MIL! And, my attention got shifted to the other side of the hall, where the host (would-be FIL) stood up to fill his glass of drink and said "Rape? what rape? Eh, are you talking about that Dhaula Kuan case? come on!"

(Just to apprise you that in December 2010, a 30 year old call centre employee who was just dropped to her place near Dhaula Kuan in New Delhi at mid night by her company van was a little later abducted by 2-3 men, she was gang raped and abandoned at another place.  The girl belonged to one of the  North Eastern State of India.  The whole city was under shock due to this incident. And, later certain guidelines have been made for the Call Centre employers to safeguard the women employees who work at night shift and also, the police officers have been sensitized to deal with rape cases)

The host continued - " What rape? oh that is not rape....these women are like that only.... they keep going around with men...... they sleep around with men........ and now when someone has done it... they say he raped me... what rape? is it rape for them? cheh! " Half of the men present there rhymed.... "oh that is not rape.... they ask for it..... these girls"..... and the rest half were quiet.... as if they didn't want to argue, but somewhere did not agree much, but chose to be quiet.

The man continued, "and that Jessica case.... who was she to refuse a drink? she....selling liquor to men in a party at night... and then says 'no' to give a drink..... so what if the boy got angry?.... so what... after all...he was a man..... he got angry..... so what?...". this time the topic was changed quickly...... My attention was completely on it..... I wanted to intervene.... I so wanted to.... but I kept quiet..... I was a guest.... a new comer and a guest.... I kept quiet.

The women were busy talking about when is the best time to get a facial, ie., a day before the ceremony....."ah, it gives a lot of glow the next day!", the lady exclaimed.

I was observing the contrast..... i was seeing the irony of the situation..... so unaware was the lady of how her husband thought about women in general and she goes on talking about beautifying herself and preparing the home to welcome the new bride..... and here I sat quite aware of what my spouse thinks about the issue and I am sitting over the issue, gulping down those last few traces of liquid in my glass, as if swallowing the insult to my womanhood poured in the form of that drink.... i swallowed it all.

Don't you think, dear reader, that we live with such ignorance and with such a big facade??

And I was thinking about the would be Daughter-in-law (DIL) too... what if something goes wrong with her some time? or with the pretty MIL?

But, the one thing really disturbed me was that, there is a big chunk of our society which feels that a girl invites rape by her dress up and conduct.... there is a section of the society which feels a man should not be blamed, if it's the girl who has titillated his senses... and aroused him.....  by wearing deep necklines or short dresses...... then he is only a man.... an testosterone pumping man..... and it's not his fault if the woman is so tempting. To add to the list of provocation, let me say, that even a woman's smile or laughter is taken as an invitation.

Another aspect, which was even criticized by the Apex court of the country was that the personal life.... the personal relationships of a victim should not be used against her.  If I remember correctly, in another rape case (or may be this one) the Police said that the girl was in a relationship (sexual ie.) and was not a virgin... so..... (God knows what was meant by this).... but this was disgusting for me.  I mean, losing virginity - forget about marriage or no marriage - is no license for another person to go trespassing your body.  Being a non-virgin and single does not mean it's an open to all territory.... how disgusting is the thought even.  Thankfully, the court noticed it and spoke categorically against this point... that the personal life of the victim should not be brought  in the case of a heinous crime like a gang rape or rape for that matter.

One more thing, if inviting rape is like seduction for these men, then the scene of rape would be real hot stuff, right?! I wish it was wrong.... but the hard fact is that there are a plenty of men who find even rape as sexually pleasurable act. Rape, which is a forceful act, which only brings out the cruelty of one gender over another, brings pleasure to many. Rape, which means use of physical force on the opposite gender to gratify one's lust , an act which recognizes a woman even as a human being is  seen with those wanting lusty eyes.  It's painful to think that to many, the helpless cries of a woman only mean pleasure. And watching rape scenes or clips uploaded by a jilted lover a sheer turn on. (in this case, it's not the cries of the girl but the broken trust that should be hated).  My blogger pal Blognostic wrote about it in his post.(will be linking it soon)

Every man must know that rape is a weapon which distorts a woman's sexuality and violates her human rights.  It leaves her feel exposed, humiliated and traumatised.  Rape not just affects the victim physically but emotionally and psychologically too.  Yet, a victim sometimes has to hear such insensitive comments like - "Don't try to tell us that you didn't enjoy it".  It's barbaric to think that a forced act can bring any pleasure to any human being.  I think, this saying must be made by a man - If rape is inevitable, better enjoy it.

Think about it.....

RESTLESS

 image courtesy http://blindedbyhiphop.com/ and http://2.bp.blogspot.com/