Rape - Do You Feel Hot About It?

January 17, 2011
It is said that the way the women of a particular region, or country, are kept and treated tells a lot about the men of that place.  Take your mind off to all those places of our country or the world where atrocities on women are common and then think about their men.  This is true everywhere.  Although, in the same breath, I would add that we cannot  make any sweeping generalizations about these gender roles or functions in a society.  But, in a broad way, the education, the health state and over all personality development of women folk depends a lot on the men in their life - be it the father, the brother, the husband, the employer etc.  Also, in this blogosphere, where often you are taken by your words with the spirit behind the words taking a back seat, let me clarify here that I am, in no way, undermining the capabilities and potential of women and I'm not saying that women cannot do anything without their men.


Having said that, let me share with you an incident, which gave me a glimpse of how men, some men, a big proportion of men of our society see women.

It was a perfect winter evening, me and my spouse were invited to a small party of friends.  We were the new couple there, as we were just introduced to this wealthy punjabi business class family and their three more family friends through our common close friends. The occasion was was an eve before the host's son's engagement (called "Roka" in punjabi). The engagement was to follow the next morning, and here we were sitting in their large drawing room, which had a well stocked bar at one corner and drinks were flowing and kebabs were being served.

I was sitting on the corner of the huge sofa, almost sunk in it, sipping from my glass of juice.  The setting was exactly the way it is in Punju families - women cluster together discussing sarees and jewellery and the beauty packages available in the leading beauty clinics.... in between the mother of the would-be groom would tell how the girl looks like.  And on the other side of the hall, almost covering half of it, were the men... spread like kings..... and discussing everything from stock market to scams to even religion and politics.

I, like a good guest, smiled and sat pretty, nicely clad in my choodidar and kurta.  I was attentive towards the women's chit chat and I especially liked the way the lady described her would-be daughter-in-law - "she is a doctor..... knows how to cook.... and can drive a car too......and is so fair.... so beautiful..... it's a combination of traditional and modern".  I was impressed too, listening to it. And, there the men went on taking a dig on the self styled spiritual Gurus!  "Ah, that was of my interest really!" I thought, shifting slightly to participate in that topic. I was a new entrant, so I just wanted to hear them out... I was quiet... but enjoying it. The discussion took a turn, as they began talking about the law and order situation of Delhi.....and how life is not to safe now a days in the Capital.

I got distracted by the women's talks as the to be mother-in-law (MIL) told that she is going to wear a red coloured saree for the Engagement ceremony.  Now-a-days, when even brides are looking for more sophisticated colours for their bridal wear, a Mom-in-law wearing a red, blood red coloured saree was a big, but pleasant surprise for me.  The lady, of course was pretty and quite young to be a MIL! And, my attention got shifted to the other side of the hall, where the host (would-be FIL) stood up to fill his glass of drink and said "Rape? what rape? Eh, are you talking about that Dhaula Kuan case? come on!"

(Just to apprise you that in December 2010, a 30 year old call centre employee who was just dropped to her place near Dhaula Kuan in New Delhi at mid night by her company van was a little later abducted by 2-3 men, she was gang raped and abandoned at another place.  The girl belonged to one of the  North Eastern State of India.  The whole city was under shock due to this incident. And, later certain guidelines have been made for the Call Centre employers to safeguard the women employees who work at night shift and also, the police officers have been sensitized to deal with rape cases)

The host continued - " What rape? oh that is not rape....these women are like that only.... they keep going around with men...... they sleep around with men........ and now when someone has done it... they say he raped me... what rape? is it rape for them? cheh! " Half of the men present there rhymed.... "oh that is not rape.... they ask for it..... these girls"..... and the rest half were quiet.... as if they didn't want to argue, but somewhere did not agree much, but chose to be quiet.

The man continued, "and that Jessica case.... who was she to refuse a drink? she....selling liquor to men in a party at night... and then says 'no' to give a drink..... so what if the boy got angry?.... so what... after all...he was a man..... he got angry..... so what?...". this time the topic was changed quickly...... My attention was completely on it..... I wanted to intervene.... I so wanted to.... but I kept quiet..... I was a guest.... a new comer and a guest.... I kept quiet.

The women were busy talking about when is the best time to get a facial, ie., a day before the ceremony....."ah, it gives a lot of glow the next day!", the lady exclaimed.

I was observing the contrast..... i was seeing the irony of the situation..... so unaware was the lady of how her husband thought about women in general and she goes on talking about beautifying herself and preparing the home to welcome the new bride..... and here I sat quite aware of what my spouse thinks about the issue and I am sitting over the issue, gulping down those last few traces of liquid in my glass, as if swallowing the insult to my womanhood poured in the form of that drink.... i swallowed it all.

Don't you think, dear reader, that we live with such ignorance and with such a big facade??

And I was thinking about the would be Daughter-in-law (DIL) too... what if something goes wrong with her some time? or with the pretty MIL?

But, the one thing really disturbed me was that, there is a big chunk of our society which feels that a girl invites rape by her dress up and conduct.... there is a section of the society which feels a man should not be blamed, if it's the girl who has titillated his senses... and aroused him.....  by wearing deep necklines or short dresses...... then he is only a man.... an testosterone pumping man..... and it's not his fault if the woman is so tempting. To add to the list of provocation, let me say, that even a woman's smile or laughter is taken as an invitation.



Another aspect, which was even criticized by the Apex court of the country was that the personal life.... the personal relationships of a victim should not be used against her.  If I remember correctly, in another rape case (or may be this one) the Police said that the girl was in a relationship (sexual ie.) and was not a virgin... so..... (God knows what was meant by this).... but this was disgusting for me.  I mean, losing virginity - forget about marriage or no marriage - is no license for another person to go trespassing your body.  Being a non-virgin and single does not mean it's an open to all territory.... how disgusting is the thought even.  Thankfully, the court noticed it and spoke categorically against this point... that the personal life of the victim should not be brought  in the case of a heinous crime like a gang rape or rape for that matter.

One more thing, if inviting rape is like seduction for these men, then the scene of rape would be real hot stuff, right?! I wish it was wrong.... but the hard fact is that there are a plenty of men who find even rape as sexually pleasurable act. Rape, which is a forceful act, which only brings out the cruelty of one gender over another, brings pleasure to many. Rape, which means use of physical force on the opposite gender to gratify one's lust , an act which recognizes a woman even as a human being is  seen with those wanting lusty eyes.  It's painful to think that to many, the helpless cries of a woman only mean pleasure. And watching rape scenes or clips uploaded by a jilted lover a sheer turn on. (in this case, it's not the cries of the girl but the broken trust that should be hated).  My blogger pal Blognostic wrote about it in his post.(will be linking it soon)

Every man must know that rape is a weapon which distorts a woman's sexuality and violates her human rights.  It leaves her feel exposed, humiliated and traumatised.  Rape not just affects the victim physically but emotionally and psychologically too.  Yet, a victim sometimes has to hear such insensitive comments like - "Don't try to tell us that you didn't enjoy it".  It's barbaric to think that a forced act can bring any pleasure to any human being.  I think, this saying must be made by a man - If rape is inevitable, better enjoy it.

Think about it.....



RESTLESS



50 comments:

Jyothi said...

This is one of the best posts I have read in a while. Very well written and a topic very well addressed. I wish women in this world could live as free as a man can! With so much talk of feminism being on the rise, and that only villages now have such narrow minded men, this proves that we have a long way to go! I read an article in a local newspaper today morning regarding a 4 year old girl who was raped before dropping her off at her bus stop by three school employees in November 2010. The parents filed a case last week when medical examination declared that the child was sexually assaulted! I wonder if these creeps declare that she enjoyed it too!

Sakhi Shah said...

I really like this post...this is exactly what is wrong, you know, the fact that people somehow make rape the woman's fault, make her feel guilty and somehow make her more hesitant to even get her attackers punished because she's afraid it will ruin her life.

Blasphemous Aesthete said...

Nice post. There was a discussion once that why do wives of criminals convicted in such cases of adultery and savagery stand by them, as in the case of S.P.S Rathore, and to a certain extent, Tiger Woods.

And by that last line, you really didn't mean a man as for a real man? not just by body, but by principle too?

Vivek Chamoli said...

Hi friend,
you have really put. light on a serious disease which is engulfing the society..
its one of the cruelest act, and as u shared some of the convo only reflects...their degraded mind levels..it doesn't matter. .to what family one belongs to. ..the mentality and the so called sanskar comes to picture...so its purely n directly reflect the sanskar the up bringing...
Its very easy for one to blame other. ...but if one just sit back and think of own- self.. he will definetly get the answer from within...how and where he stands..
the MMS scandals only reflect...the untrustwothiness of the person...to whom one trust so much comes out this way..imagining of the troma she goes is unbearable..n just thinking abt it brings tears to our eyes... what about the girl..mind state?.its the biggest sin...and we as the responsible citizen should come forward to devise a mechamism to strenghten the girls and prevent in happening of such incidents again.
Being sad n sorry wont help..the only thing that can eliminate this is by being responsible...if we see something wrong..if we dont stop it then we are equally responsible in this.. giving air to these mentally sick. .animals.
Death should be the punishment for this barbaric act. Establishment of fast track courts and all judges should be female..
to give max punishment.
Act like this in my court only have one punisment. i.e death.
An incident happened with me. .too..it was back in 2004 I was new to this city..so one day coming back to home it was quite late night..not too much but for me that tym...I was coming home via bus.. it was kind of. empty.. there was one lonely girl. ..I was sitting. .opp then some 5 so called hatty katty men entwred bus n sat on back seat next to girl..n they were discussing loudly obscene things about women. I got so furious that. .I decided I will qick them where it hurts the most if they go did something with her.. I asked the driver to do something but he refused and gave excuse I dont want to be killed. .I hv a family.
I was stunned as I did expect... and. I dont have cell phone those tym. .So I couldnt call the police.. So I decided..to travel to her destination. ...fortunately it was before mine.. and she was safe. .From that day I decided Not to be silent otherwise wrong may happen so prevent it urself and other will follow you.

Hope to see some change happeni ng..

thanks for sharing..

take care
ks

Prateek said...

This is a perfect post which chucking the prejudice of male’s dominance society. I often hear my female friends saying that their neighbor thinks the other way round when she’s with male friends. Come on grow-up people above 45. You wear jeans instead of dhoti and call a girl wearing skirt or jeans an open invite for rappers.
Recently Khap panchayat in UP bans girls from wearing jeans. Why!?! Because they think wearing these types of western clothes triples the rate of secretions from hormonal glands. Eh! Disgusting.
Govt. is no more than an impotent body when it comes to social crisis like rapes. Male society is ought to change their perception for girls from door to bed to something else.

Phew!!

subtlescribbler said...

a similar discussion went on in front of me too a while ago 'that girls themselves invite rape' ..although i do agree that women should take care of the way they dress but it doesn't in any way mean that revealing dresses can quieten up such a barbaric act.
its high time that these close minded men stopped blaming women for things that ruin up their life.
and applaud for you..this post really is enlightening!

Victor Guerra said...

Restless, a nice and thought proviking post. My respects.
Men of these sort put a man's dignity to shame. Yeah, there are men who loose talk without regards to the sensibilities of others, just for the heck of presenting an opinion. A good example - though fictional but quite practical - is how men who make sweeping generalizations of actresses as prostitutes in Julia Robert's "Notting Hill". I was really touched by that scene.
Trust me, the very men who talk nonsense about rape victims or any women in general, would instantly flip their opinions / arguments when something bad happens to their very own women - sister, mother, spouse or whoever it may be.
It's pretty fun to blabber about victims (be it men or women), until it happens with him.

Zephyr said...

when men turn into beasts they rape helpless women/girls and children. Period. And no matter what the self righteous say about girls inviting it, they need to be shut up and if necessary locked up as potential rapists. Our laws are too lax and the powerful manage to get away with a lot of help from the police. Things need to change and soon.

Ghost writer said...

I think you have captured the true essence of the problem in this post perfectly...

A lot has been said about what needs to be done and what needs to change..but that is the end of it..we really need to move to the action phase...start making changes and bold ones at that to reform the thought process of the society ...

Purba said...

A very tricky subject, yet you nailed it. I loved how you described the scene at party and brought out the contrasts.

And men who say she deserved it are just concocting a sorry excuse to appease their conscience.

A Restless Mind With A Sensitive Heart! said...

Jyothi,

yes, these were not villagers, but still this was the mentality. yeah, wish ppl see this point, as u said.


Sakhi,

It's high time this thinking changes.


BA,

oh, yes that's another point, on which i would like to write some time.

yes, a real man - not just a male by body is someone who can appreciate a woman's point of view and can never say a thing like that.

RESTLESS

A Restless Mind With A Sensitive Heart! said...

Vivek,

thinking about the victims of MMS scandals brings nightmares to me. When the trust breaks, it hurts, and badly when the whole world is a witness to it.

so, instead of checking out those clips on net, and forwarding them to others on mobile, we should just delete them. It should be shameful for the one who uploaded it, than the one featuring in it.

It was courageous of you to escort the girl till her stand...ppl are really insensitive these days, as the driver said, he has a family. It must be a scary incident for you.

good u had the heart to protect the girl.

RESTLESS

A Restless Mind With A Sensitive Heart! said...

Prateek -

I understand ur anger. Girls really need to be smart and quick and must be geared up for protection from assualts, if they are working or living in areas prone to such things, even otherwise, a basic awareness is important.

and Khap... phew... beyond me!

Subtelscribbler -

thanks a lot dear.

yes, a decent conduct is important, but that doesnot guarantee you won't be teased or worse..


RESTLESS

A Restless Mind With A Sensitive Heart! said...

Victor,

thanks. well said. these men would suddenly change sides, if something goes wrong with their women, but won't spare the female from taunts etc. inside the house.

I really don't understand loose talk of men... what's their criteria of decency, or a good girl, I don't understand.

But, good to see men saying what u just said, that such men bring shame to others. yes, they do. and it's painful becoz they are the part of our society and our world.


RESTLESS

A Restless Mind With A Sensitive Heart! said...

Zephyr - yeah, right "potential rapists"! good term!

true, see the state of Banda rape victim, that minor girl,her family is scared for their life. It's about power - muscle or money or position, that's it.

Ghost Writer - thanks, am glad.

And the beginning would be treat rape victime with dignity, and not as the defaulter.


Purba - yes, glad u saw that.... contrast... in the party scene. hmm, yes may be this way they want to come clean, and want the whole mankind to come clean of it.

Thanks all of you, dear readers to supporting the thought.

Let's not see a rape victim as a defaulter, but as a victim. And let's never ever engage ourselves in seeing, or circulating MMS clips of those unfortunate girls.

Everyone does it, but let there be some privacy for all.

RESTLESS

Nikhil Garg said...

Nice post.

On a different matter, I think that today most of the women particularly working ones, have used their sexuality for professional benefits. Their ways may have been meek, indirect & uneventful.But no women can't tell me they have never talked to a guy knowing he likes them ( in whatever form ) just for professional favors. Wearing provocative clothes counts as well.

I don't make an if & if condition here, but I think women too must respect their own sexuality in general.

Jack said...

Restless,

This is one fact which needs to be addressed urgently. I feel we need to think little more in depth and try to zero onto the causes. Even close relatives or friends have indulged in this crime. What is the reason of a 70 years plus woman being a target? It has happened not once but a few times as per newspaper reports. There have been few instances of reverse role too. Even there have been molestation of young boys or even grown up men by men. We should look for what causes this instead of pointing finger. I do agree that most of the men like that host say what he said until it is one of his close ones who is the victim. I am not qualified to say what causes it or what we should do to prevent it but all I can say is that as society we need to inculcate respect for each other right from childhood. That is where parents, grandparents, other relatives, teachers and distinguised persons of society need to shoulder this responsibility. Instead of issuing dictats on dress code or behavior we need to see that boys should feel that a girl is a human just like them and needs respect as well as care more than they themselves do. A lot more needs to be thought and done.

Take care

PS : And punishment for a proved rapist should be such that it makes others feel scared, not death but something which is really scary. Also cases should be time bound to be finished including appeals etc to the highest level, say within 3 months.

Prashant said...

RMSH,

This is a nice post..upto the point..i do agree with most of things that you mentioned upon....

as also To all my co-commentators......
ya.. i think rape is more of a machoism for men.. they do it to show that they are superior..and that they need to suppress women, whom they consider as a threat to themselves..in whatever way they see it.. they see the act of rape as a way a woman can be submissioned....

also, though i am of the opinion that women do have a right to choose what they should wear, they should exercise some caution on where they wear what... i mean.. wearing a certain attaire is okay.. so long as the occassion demands it.. but why wear revealing dresses when one goes to a temple or even to study? i think women/girls should be judicious enough to know what is proper and where it is proper..

while i wrote this something else too crossed my mind.. just as it is 'barbaric to think that a forced act can bring any pleasure to any human being', an act done on the fear of someone seeing it or getting caught too doesnt bring any pleasure. thinking that way, an act of rape can only be committed by a hardcore criminal.. who think he can do anything.. a rape cant be committed by someone anyone lesser than that.. because he will always fear about getting caught or someone seeing the act.. in that way.. i think there may be very little instances of rape happening.. i don't know how correct i am.. let me know.. how much i am right here or not...

having said that.. i wish to add that i dont support capital punishment (most people refer to this as death sentence) for a rapist.. rape is indeed a criminal offence but very hard to prove.. as also, the suffering a victim might have to undergo while the trial is going on can be gruesome and it is as brutish as the act of rape itself..

rrajiv said...

nice and interesting post. :)

Vee... said...

Very important topic discussed in the best light. We live in a hypocritical society, especially the attitude of we Indians has taken a huge change gradually with time by misinterpreting our culture and heritage over the years. And one such result is the mistreatment and lack of importance to a woman, her words, her thoughts and her feelings. The society continued to take advantage of all this, and rape is one such thing.

And Restless, you nailed down all the points perfectly. A Woman cannot dress the way she wants, cannot be intimate with the person she loves, and cannot do anything. I always thought education would solve all issues like these, but it really hurts when we come across some educated people also making statements like "she wanted it, so she had it".

Desh said...

Restless - nice post. A few thoughts:

1. A rape needn't be just against the opposite gender. It could be against the same gender as well (example - Catholic priests - specially those who protest most against gays in the US are the prime examples of this crime)

2. The quote you mentioned in the end was by a US presidential candidate and he had to take his nomination back because of the hue and cry from the women's rights group. Rightly so.

3. In some literature - magazines and books of erotica - some women are often depicted as those who like force from men and have "role plays" of rape with their partners. Such stories - true and otherwise - fuel the imagination of certain men ostensibly that "rape is enjoyed - or even solicited and craved for by - women".

4. Rape is the outcome of an even more sinister practice where men have abandoned the onus of sexual crimes and put it squarely on women. So, "good" women are covered.. burqa is great.. or even worse, women are like "meat".

When women are expected to "save their honor" and men have no part to play in destruction of the honor.. and of course, their own honor is never to be saved.. the rape is a natural consequence in the wider society.

So, harping on one eventuality of a larger malaise won't do any good.. the goal should be to take a look at the foundational weakness in our society.

5. Finally, the way women are / have been portrayed over the years in the movies.. where when men forced themselves on the women - emotionally, mentally (if not physically) - then the actress would not just give in to the man.. but actually have him as her lover..

.. such portrayals have also added to the mess in our society.

To me, the test of a man's character is not to hold himself accountable and not force himself on the woman if she is in anything less than a burqa - but .. be able to go in a nudist society with completely naked women (and good looking ones) and still be accountable to himself. :) I am not sure if I will succeed, but its the real test of the onus being on US men!!

Vee... said...

http://www.anniezaidi.com/2006/03/streets-stories-strategies.html
This is a similar post written by someone I don't know, but have read..

Matangi Mawley said...

I feel very uncomfortable even to watch a 'rape' scene in movies. It was an uncomfortable read for me. But I only felt uncomfortable- because, the truth in it- makes you feel so. the truth in it- is as monterous as the very act itself!
Kudos to you for addressing this issue.

the mentality of the people have been this way for many many years now... it s a very difficult thing to make men of their 'mind-set' understand sexuality issues. even now, when we talk of so many advancements, in terms of technology and mind-set- i see dialogues in regional language movies like-- "it's your duty to love guys like us"... us? what do u mean, our duty? the worse part is- guys, in reality are actually using that dialogue- while peoposing to girls!
it is very subtle. the underplay in the whole thing- a smart hiding of the deep-rooted "inferiority complex".
i read this article in a leading magazine- a psychological analisis of a rapist usually shows his 'inferior' nature. esp. rapists accused of raping minors and chindren... they hav a position of advantage, a cheap sense of superiority, but at what cost?
my cousin who is doing his medical stidies, happened to attend a spesial psychology session that involved 'case study'. the subject was a rapist who was accused of raping a 10 month old baby! i felt nauseated at the very thought! but it was even more shocking to hear what that fellow had to say-"once you remove the head, all women are the same"! my insides were churning so wildly, given a knife in hand, i felt i would have murdered the fellow!

things like 'rape' cannot be explained to men of such ideas. it would take ages to reform the basic idea in them. on this topic, yes i am a feminist.. thought i hate any kind of chauvinism... but this issue- leaves me with no option!

A Restless Mind With A Sensitive Heart! said...

Nikhil - Thanks for sharing ur views, but here we were talking about a gender forcing oneself on another sexually. Mutual consent, due to any reason is not as bad as rape is. Hope u get my point.

Dress up can make a woman tempting... but that really does not mean a woman in rags would be less inviting. Although, sometimes body language signals are sent and picked up in a wrong way too.

RESTLESS

A Restless Mind With A Sensitive Heart! said...

Jack - What causes this thinking that being powerful means, you can get away with anything, is of course inculcated in us right from childhood. Your point is right that family has a role to play in this.

In fact, I feel strongly that had the punishment been stringent and judicial process faster, it would have acted as a detriment in the society... for such people. We can only hope for that.


thanks for sharing ur views Jack

RESTLESS

A Restless Mind With A Sensitive Heart! said...

PRASHANT -

Thanks :)

Threatened, yes, when men feel so, they are more aggressive.

I agree, to some extent, that women, as they have a lot of choices available to them as far as attire is concerened, must choose the appropriate dressing keeping in view the place and the occasion. No denying that.

No, I don't think they are some hard core criminals who rape a helpless woman. It's about that wild moment, it's about that one aggressive moment, of hurt ego, or provocation when a man ceases to think, think of the consequences... i think that one moment separates a man from a beast. It's a thin line, i guess. That's why, u see the faces of those rapists, they are ordinary looking, unsuspecting ppl, but those small choices of life, or that inability to make a choice at that moment brings out their dark side. I guess, all of us have that dark side of ours. But we know how to keep that in check. so, people are not born as criminals.

Rape is hard to prove? I don't think so. It's the stigma attached to its revelation and the aftermath which stops a woman to speak up about it.

Pls write back, if u don't agree.

RESTLESS

A Restless Mind With A Sensitive Heart! said...

RRAJIV - thanks.

Vee - Things have changed no doubt, but somewhere, some men, a big chunk that is, is still the same, rather I would say men today have become insecure of women. Also, the disbalanced male-female ratio is also responsible for the crimes against women. Again, education can solve this problem.

glad u found the post thought provoking.

RESTLESS

A Restless Mind With A Sensitive Heart! said...

Desh -

Thanks :) am glad I could bring out those expressions and words.

Thanks a ton for sharing a lot of facts. esp no. 2

Role play, glad someone mentioned it. This does create a false image about women. It can be true for some, for whom normal is boring, but for God's sake you cannot take the women in general like that! But yes, such literature, and yes movies too are to be blames for such a potrayal where, u can win a woman by pusing her against the wall, either physically or mentally or emotionally.

Ah, this good girl, good woman thing irritates me... just don't understand what is the criteria... i think i wrote about this as a comment in some blog...these are sheer double standards, let me say.

About the test of a man (!) thing, (quite a test it is!). But on a serious note, crimes happen where things are either not available or are excessively available. A nudist society would have a different set of rules, and i don't think monogamy would be one of those... so if you only mean... let's see can a man refrain from forcing himself on a woman/man there, i guess you really don't NEED to force yourself there. I may be wrong, u can correct me please.

thanks for your time and effort, Desh.

RESTLESS

A Restless Mind With A Sensitive Heart! said...

Vee - ok will read it Vee. thanks.

tc

RESTLESS

Desh said...

Restless:

"let's see can a man refrain from forcing himself on a woman/man there, i guess you really don't NEED to force yourself there. I may be wrong, u can correct me please."

The rules for forced intercourse should remain the same I am sure. At least on the nudist beaches or any civil society the same rules are followed. And even if the rules aren't followed, its better to talk of the state of the woman. Would a woman who is comfortable shedding her clothes, also willing to be taken by any man? I doubt so.

Rape or man's pushing of the burden of self control on to woman is about how woman feels when forced upon by man. I don't think it should be about what a woman is wearing.

For someone, a little bit of skin - as in the Islamic societies - is equal to a woman going about nude. For some a short skirt is enough of an invitation.. and for some its the shedding of all the clothes. Whatever the "amount and style of clothing", the onus of a man to hold his "you-know-what" to himself cannot be abandoned!

About role-play.. yes, its foolish to assume all women like the same thing. Anyone who is ever been with even one woman would know that even the same woman wants different "roles" to remain excited .. LOL.. so one "role" for all women is certainly a bad idea.. a VERY BAD IDEA!! :)

A Restless Mind With A Sensitive Heart! said...

Desh,

I think you got me wrong, or may be I could not express properly.

I said "let's see can a man refrain from forcing himself on a woman/man there, i guess you really don't NEED to force yourself there. I may be wrong, u can correct me please."

Oh, i didn't mean everyone is avaible to everyone there (LOL), I'm sorry if I sounded like that.

Of course, the basic rule about not forcing oneself remains there too, must remain there. And also, rightly said, and i agree completely, that shedding clothes doesnot mean any man can get away with anything, no not at all.

What I meant was, or may be I am rethinking now about my words, it's a good test for the man about his self control, but things would be different from the typical Indian society, say Delhi, where male female ratio is disbalanced , due to non availability of suitable partners, men may get into a criminal mode (though, we cannot justify this behaviour due to skewed sex ratios, but the fact is that it affects us). When things are less available, we are likely to long and even lust for it.

But, yes, on a second thought, I get your point. You have a point.

Yes, that would be quite a challenge for men :)

thanks!

RESTLESS

A Restless Mind With A Sensitive Heart! said...

Matangi Mawley - Welcome.

Yes, it's difficult to make them understand a few things, and more than that to undertand what they are saying . I can imagine how u would hve felt reading the post.

take care

RESTLESS

Prashant said...

RMSH,

well...this is where i differ from your perceptions.. i for one.. think that it is next to impossible for a normal person to rape a woman.. because.. the fear.. that someone will see the very act deters him to derive any pleasure from the act itself.. and will not indulge in such an act.. thats why only hard core criminals are capable of such a criminal offence..
i agree about teh fleeting moment.. and infact.. i did mention about the state of the mind.. infact.. when i said about death sentence deterring such acts..i was against it saying it is these fleeting moments ..and coupled wiht the criminal mentality in which such death sentences will never gonna deter a person from committing the crime... no man would think of the consequences and death sentance in 'that fleeting moment'....

Raindrop said...

I was pretty disturbed when I read your post. Having lived in the north-east and the rest of the India long enough, it was easy for me to relate to it. This is quite uncanny as i just wrote a short story about how there is this big divide and the north-east gets neglected enough for them to think there is a North east India and a mainland India.

Deepika said...

this is one sensitive topic and most mis-handled in India.. and yeah if its inevitable why not enjoy it? right? whoever said this must be tied in front of his possessions when it is set on fire and he is unable to do anything.. its inevitable and well, he MUST enjoy it! X-(

*Soumyo* said...

What should I say? loads of saying already done. I would just like to thank you for discussing on such a topic.

A Restless Mind With A Sensitive Heart! said...

Prashant - u r entitled to have ur own view Prashant.

so, we are on the same lines on 'fleeting moment' thing, so why do u have a change of thought in this issue, when u said the same in death sentence post?

Raindrop - yes dear its disturbing. I wanted to write about how girls from North East of India are treated in the North. It's strange but true, they are seen as foreigners and... i don't want to say that.

so u also wrote about it.

Deepika - understand ur anger. btw, a co-blogger named "Desh" told in his comment about the person who said this... if u get time read it!

take care

RESTLESS

@nimesh said...

A subject which many will not be comfortable with.... bravo! If we look at ancient India, women were never treated like this and all this started during medieval times. Like it was always said, YATRA NARYASTU PUJYANTE, RAMANTE TATRA DEVATAH meaning God lives where women are respected.
Rape is the most shameful and inhumane act that a MAN can do. I'm not sure how it boosts someone's ego or how someone can even defend it. For that matter even advocates who defend rapists knowing that he has committed the crime, has no right to be called a MAN. Only God knows how they would be showing their face to their wives or daughters or sisters or mother!!!!
Understanding what goes inside a rape-victim's mind is something most difficult thing and very horrible. I've been in a situation when I had to counsel someone in such position (I don't want to go into details) but I still remember the night and the following day. And every-time I do so, I get goose-bumps. It's horrible; believe me. Don't know how these people justify it when they say women invite it!!!!
Only punishment for such criminals of humanity and more specifically for these criminals of motherhood should be death... by stone pelting. Beat them up till they are dead...
Restless.... please accept my thanks for putting this topic here.
Just like that...

Anonymous said...

Too good .. Vijeta

Mohini said...

Restless you have raised very important issue. You have written almost everything and the commentators too. Rape is funny thing for some people. it's comedy! What to write about rapist. The worst thing is the so called highly sophisticated people around us justifies rapist. And yes Girl is always inviting for them, no need to argue anything, these shameless people will always say the same. To be honest, as the pic shows yes! Real Man never Rape. I think one more thing the films, what they show......suddenly some people go crazy and want to immitate that. Also the rape scenes - isn't it a perfect guide for rapist? Also when we support movies, we support exploitation. Nothing to write, you have written it completely!

Bhavana Shankar Rao said...

Wow restless.. this is one of topics near to my heart.
Until and unless there are people like the MIL and the group who are only worried about how to get dressed and get raped by somebody, men who are influenced by such women wil never understand the real situation. But I am not defending that FIL ignorant speeches.
Here in europe even when a woman is walking in just underclothes in a main street the percetage of rape is just less than 2%.
The more we try to conceal ourselves and become conservative, the worst the situation gets. I feel more comfortable with my body after coming to Europe.

Cheers...

kunal said...

Well written !!

Haritha Nair said...

One of the best blogs I have read recently. And each word gave a feel as if it emerged from my own brains and mind. Its too barbaric that the men try to protect those whom are culprits, especially when its a rape. But I do wonder if the same men will speak the same words, supporting the culprits, if the victim is their own wife or daughter? And another bull-shit(pardon me for the language) I have been facing is eve-teasing! Trust me, many a times, I just spitted harsh words on their faces, but never ever could I find anybody around with a supporting expression(atleast). And all this can happen, only here in India!!!

Ahimaaz Rajesh said...

Those men must go and ask male rape victims, which I'm sure there are enough of, "Did you enjoy it?"

Social gestures/body language is another myth that needs busting.

Perception said...

A really good post exposing the facade of our society. In the same vein there are people who say that Muslims in Godhra invited the carnage by instigating the majority of that state..
So in a way it is not about one gender's crime against another but that of one strong human against a weaker one and smacks of barbarism.

All Talk and No Action said...

dear RMSH - Thanks for stopping by on my blog and commenting on my post on the same subject.

This post of yours is very well enunciated. There was much learning from the comments section too.

Like one of the commentators mentiond, I envisage a society where, even if a male/female were to move around in the nude, they would be safe.

there is much we need to do to move towards such a society. The first step is writing about such cases and inviting mature debate/discussion.

Anonymous said...

This is such a true post. I being a girl myself have men discard rape, sexual abuse and anything of the similar likes with a shrug and "you brought it upon yourself" look. It pains when your own family looks down upon you, let alone the society. Such an eye opener. :)

Jaunty Anima said...

God...u're such an effective writer!! Totally loved ur blog.....went thru a string of posts...and reached here.....Following u already...!!!! Would love to read more from u!!

RESTLESS said...

Thanks a lot! very glad to know that :) Welcome here!

Cheers!

shahnaz_is said...

So true are your words and thoughts... Its seems that this unacceptable attitude towards Rape, is visible today all around the world!

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