Why Are You In Your Marriage?

August 27, 2010
image coutesy divorceanewstart.com/
It is only a myth that Indian Marriages are like the perfect case studies, which are taught and sold throughout the world.  People project marriages as something like a scratch-proof, metallic flower vase.  Beautiful, complete, unshakable, unbreakable and always so alive as the flowers in it.  Its such a myth. Its a myth for a majority of couples.  The people successful in marriages are the one's who are really smart, street smart.  They know its like a game, play it.  The one's who put their heart and mind and especially their mind in the unfolding of this intricate relationship, realise that it is based on inequalities, bias, exploitation.

Why do I say so, you will wonder? Or do you really wonder? Or you know it. But keep quiet just like others.

The biggest problems with Indian marriages is that we want to save the marriage at any cost.  Mind you at any cost.  First it would be you or your spouse trying to save it. 

Reasons vary, if its love, then its worth it, give it a million tries.  But mostly, its not true; the reasons are social reputation, "what will the people say?"  "His wife ran away?" "Her Husband dumped her? huh! may be she deserved it". 

Financial issues. Professionally unemployed women (women work their ass off as homemakers also) are insecure about their future and moreover, parents mostly try to shun their responsibility of caring for a daughter who has come back to her maternal house.  If you have a married brother, then know it girl, you are not wanted at all. 

Emotional issues. I have seen a woman, who knew her husband is cheating her and did not want her anymore, she clinged to him because she said she loved him! You know I was really aghast, how can you love someone who says "I hate you, don't come close to me".  I cannot understand this.

Now finally if a couple makes up their mind to separate out, there comes the great Indian Rishtedars, with band-baja, and rona-dhona and darana- dhamkana. Sorry for this, this is my natural flow of words, I mean then the relatives jump in using everything from emotions to threat to save the marriage somehow.  It is such a thing, which I fail to understand.  If the couple has to live with each other, making each other's life a living hell, then why, just why do these people have to come there to save the home, save the family, save the tradition, save the honour of the Khandan (is there an English word for this?!!!!).  At the end of the day, the couple has to deal with it.

But, there is only one soft point here, an individual whose words, emotions, feelings should be cared for, the children produced by the marriage.  Yes, children have the right to happiness and undivided love of their parents.  A couple should work hard towards making their kids life emotionally secure and balanced, I truly believe in it.
image courtesy blog.invitingsmiles.com
But tell me, can children be the only factor to be in a marriage?  Should a couple stay together because they don't want their children to go through  the trauma of choosing between one of the parents?  Should a woman stay in a marriage, a dead marriage, an emotionless marriage, and unequal marriage, because she does not want her children to cry?  What do you say? 

Should an individual be first a parent, then a man or a woman?  Does any right on our life, on our happiness, our desire, our wish left with us, when we are parents, the responsible parents of young children, who need our love and support to grow up right.  Then, does that mean that you should forget that you are experiencing a living hell, a humiliating life, a f&*%$d up life and just live on for your children? What do you say? What does an Indian say, I want to hear? Just what do you feel about it - is saving the marriage at any cost and thereby being the great example for generations to follow, is what one should do? Please do let me know.  I really want to hear this.......

RESTLESS (really I am!)

(This is the series of posts I am writing on women issues in India, see the label "Women Issues That Baffle Me" on this blog, to read more)


magiceye said...

it is an individual call.
i think it is a fallacy that children are not traumatised if the parents are living in hate. you cannot hide the feelings from children. having said that, one should do one's best to ensure that the child is well cared for emotionally and financially while the parents separate. children too can and do appreciate honesty. it is the nosey relatives that are a problem who have to be told where to get off. life is too short to live in hatred. am an indian and live in india.

Gyanban said...

Life is like a fingerprint.unique. Every one has their own truths. It is often in life you will realise that, what was once the supreme truth becomes a lie later! Therefore it is prudent not to judge anyone or any situation. This ofcourse does not mean tolerate nonsense.But be more judicious.

You have made to many assumptions in your article, and it seems like an emotional outburst, however once emotions are subject to time,or the passage of time their perspectives and definitions change. The idea is to be as objective about a situation as possible.

Blasphemous Aesthete said...

Wrong wrong right!

Okay if there is a girl and a boy child, a girl is loved as much as the boy is,(unless the family is too orthodox to believe that the girl is a burden)

Rishtedaar do jump in, agreed. They should mind their own business. Allowed only if they share your good and bad times alike. :)

Children have no fault and there should be no children of necessity. Child is the fruit, the love between a couple bears. So if you don't love each other, no use satisfying your libido unprotected. There are other venues for that. So, I agree. :)

All in all, an introspective post and an interesting read.

Deeba PAB said...

To each his own, and no situation can be typecast! Every coin has 2 faces, and then a number of dimensions. Society does certainly add pressure here in India, but at the end of the day, it's the 2 individuals involved.

Cherry Blossom said...

An introspective article about typical Indian marriages. Its true that now-a-days, most of the marriages are based on compromise rather than commitment and divorce or separation is gaining strength. A successful marriage depends on mutual understanding, love and sacrifice. These days, a relationship is based on satisfaction of ego and fulfilment of demands of any kind. If these are not achieved, the results are disastrous. The relatives, other than blessing the couple, wait for a slight clue to interfere and cause even severe damage. Its important for a couple to know each other, understand the limitations and work together to achieve a comfortable life, irrespective of the circumstances or the society. Its a family that is to be built, with healthy children and not a fragile knot.

Raj A said...

"Should an individual be first a parent, then a man or a woman?"
Doest it not depict a sense of self possessiveness.
The value of a person resides in what he gives and not in what he is capable of receiving.
I agree with one of the comment that “this article it seems likes an emotional outburst.”

Anonymous said...

In a hypothetical situation, where a marriage is perfect, I will only have to assume that society and pressure is no where near it. They definitely live a life of social seclusion in that case.

Unreal Situation this. Specially in India

A Restless Mind With A Sensitive Heart! said...

Thanks Magiceye for sharing your very balanced thoughts about the issue.

Hey Gyanban - I appreciate your way of saying things ie your view point in this issue. you are very right. About outburst, well yes, I am a human being, sometimes it happens.

@Blasphemous Aesthete - welcome! u put all your views so well. Let me say that still the rules are different for sons and daughters in an average Indian family, though there is a marked change and things are surely improving, but still such things exist.

Well said about Rishtedars and having the choice to have a baby or not.



A Restless Mind With A Sensitive Heart! said...

@ Deeba PAB - thanks Deeba for sharing ur views and welcome!

@ cherry Blossom - welcome this blog! I think you brought out yet another point, that is EGO. It does play a very big part in ruining relationships and of course there are many reasons why ppl have it. But Thanks!

@ Raj A - No that was merely a question for the reader to knowt the views and not a statement. I got your reply, of course, we are parents first and then we should be thinking about our personal good. Sometimes emotions are empowering, we speak in an emotional state about things, which we would avoid saying in a peaceful state of mind.
so I take what u say. Thanks :)

@ mazingout - absolutely right! but such situations do occur. Anyways, thanks for commenting!


nikita said...

perfectly right !!!!
indians have the mentality of saving their marriages at any cost !!!


zephyr said...

I agree with Magiceye that children benefit from a two-parent family when they experience the hate between the two people they love most. If the marriage is beyond redemption, it is best to separate and try to cushion the shock as best as possible. if the children are older, they can understand better even though they would never be able to forgive them for devastating their lives. It is usually much later in adulthood if at all, that they are able to forgive the parents. I have seen adults who have not been able to get over it at all. the best solution would be to postpone having children till the couple is really sure about how they feel about each other.

I am one of those old fashioned people who put children before everything -- after all they didn't ask to be born and therefore deserve the best!

Thebeardedguy said...

Well, if our parents have though the same way you are thinking, everything would have been a lot different now.. Please get in touch with someone who's experienced all this as a child.. People have become so selfish these days, they cannot think about others happiness and sacrificing is an alien word.. I hope and pray ppl start putting in a little extra effort to get things right, before calling off a relationship..

Samvedna said...

I always say that bring children only in this world if your marriage is sound and youa re ready to take that responsibility..but once you have them , they come first.

p00ja said...

I know what you are talking about, in India it is expected from a woman to carry the relationship forever and ever, like Raj A said, women are branded as self possessive and selfish if they demand their space, their due.
As long as you keep mum & do expected, dont demand, dont rock the boat, you are a perfect person, but as soon as you say hello, i want to do this MY WAY, all hell breaks loose.
It is an individualistic choice, how much u can take how much u can adjust, how much you are willing to give up and accommodate. We all have our boiling points.

A Restless Mind With A Sensitive Heart! said...

@ Nikita - thanks!!!

@ zephyr - so right... so well put. thanks.

@ thebeardedguy - dear, this is just loud thinking and a discussion to elicit your views. Nobody is in favour of leaving a relationship without trying hard.

A Restless Mind With A Sensitive Heart! said...

@ Pooja - wonderful, loved to read ur honest and straight out of heart comment.

so true, it is up to a person's tolerance level also.



bharat chandran said...

Restless, I am not too sure about this statement "The people successful in marriages are the one's who are really smart, street smart. " .. but i did have similar thoughts for marriage and you have already left your comment @ http://bharatchandran.blogspot.com/2009/12/marriage-personal-view.html

Thanks for visiting my blog!

Rubin_in_Hyd said...

There's no easy answers for this I guess...this ought to be one of the toughest decision for a man or woman to make, more so for the woman. 

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