I was not able to blog for all these days, due to some technical problems, but all the time, especially around the Mother's Day I was thinking of writing a post. Being a mother of two sons, the elder one being a teenager, I have something to share.
No mother can forget the day her baby is born, as she lies in pain in the labour room. The baby arrives and all the pain is gone, and then the umbilical cord, which has served its purpose is severed. Clamping the cord which provided nutrition and the life support to the unborn baby marks the end of his physical dependence on his mother. As the baby is patted on his back, he learns to take his first breath and for the only time that cry of a baby is so melodious. That cry means life.
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| image courtesy - guardian.co.uk |
It's not just once when this umbilical cord is severed. It gets severed twice. At the onset of teenage, a child has a fair idea of his individuality, rather he has already learnt to exert it. And dear reader, feel proud as a parent if he or she does it. You know as a parent that you've succeed in invoking the right thoughts. You feel good when your teenager speaks his mind and knows what he is speaking. You know then, that you have succeeded as a parent, in this respect.
Although that pride is a subtle feeling. More prominent is a feeling that your child doesn't really need you at each step of his life. (You look back and see how you always covered the sharp edges of the table with your palm, when you little one was learning to walk, fearing he would hurt himself). And this time, a parent, who was eternally lost in the cute, cuddly ways of apple of his/her eye, learns to stand aside and watch another human being, a separate personality taking charge of his life, while the parent only feels like a side actor.
Suddenly, you know you have to step back. You have to tell only when asked. Children don't like sermons! (Did I ever like it? nah!!) In many fields your child knows more than you do.
Teenage brings about that big change which again feels like the umbilical cord of the mind is getting detached. Howsoever, the child is attached to his parent, howsoever strong the emotional bond is, this feeling of separate identities stared straight into your eyes.
It's the beginning of a new phase of the relationship between a mother and a child. Somewhere it hurts when your child shouts back at you but later regrets that too. Somewhere you have to accept that you don't belong to his buddies. Somewhere you know that it's this delicate stage of his life which is making him behave in a way never known to you or himself.
You know that it's time to be even more patient, even more understanding with your child, as you are not just dealing with your off spring, you are dealing with the next generation of the times you are living in. It's you, the parent, who has to understand the changing perspectives of urban life.
Many a relationships between parents and children get disturbed forever at this juncture of life. As parents take the rude and insensitive behaviour of their children as a personal insult and often their ego gets hurt. They find it hard to forgive the child or on the other hand, may begin to ignore all the wrongdoings of their child out of weakness.
It's a challenging time for teenagers troubled by hormones and parents by the freshly severed umbilical cord.
take care
RESTLESS
29 comments:
Truly, it is the time when a parent in a bid to try to become the best friend of his/her child may distance the child through incessant poking or overzealous interest in what children might not want to share. And wise parents know where to draw the line, because ultimately, it is the parents to whom the child will ultimately go to seeking solace or advice or even to share.
Teenage is a tough time emotionally, and the parents would need to keep a check, but from a distance to ensure nothing goes wrong.
You are a parent, and I am past my teenage. Only one suggestion, though you might not actually need it, grow up with children, like them, in mind. Your age of most fertile imbibing culture and society was when you were in the stage your children are now in. Modernize, not just outfits, but the way we think. Try to think like them sometimes. And why I said that you might not actually need them, because, you are Restless after all, dynamicism is innate. :)
Regards,
Blasphemous Aesthete
ohh teenage is such a terrible time for parents..I pity my parents and wonder how will I deal when my time comes.
Such an important issue you have come up with Restless...16-22 yrs is such a critical phase of life not just for the child but also for the parents. During this phase it is really important for both the parents as well as the child to understand one another's needs and respect each other's views. And according to me 'Communication' plays a pivotal role here. Both the parents and the child should discuss each issue calmly and this is possible only if you have an open culture at home, if you have a friendly relationship with your child. Petty arguments are bound to crop up but no parent-child relationship is so weak that it would crumble forever. :)And Restless, this line 'You look back and see how you always covered the sharp edges of the table with your palm, when you little one was learning to walk, fearing he would hurt himself'...I liked it :)
Parents ought to give room to their children; experiencing
things alone is the best way to gain from life. Mumma will not every time come
to pick-up us whenever we take a fall, sometimes we need to get up ourselves.Parents ought to give room to their children; experiencing
things alone is the best way to gain from life. Mumma will not every time come
to pick-up us whenever we take a fall, sometimes we need to get up ourselves.
A Nicely written article..it was worth the wait.. and you are indeed back to your USP..and your strong point.. blog about your world and your perceptions...
Indeed it was a nice reading while bringing out the anguish of the parent..but i would rather speak from the teenagers point of view, only just because.. i am not yet a parent myself...! may be.. someday.. my view will change...!!!! This article did come at a time when the disconnect between the parents and the teenagers is on the high, so much so that, these days.. parents have even resorted to hiring detectives to keep a tab on their children... but often.. I feel, the teenage children do help parents confront all their contradictions also also to help them towards a conditioned responses to various parenting issues. seeing from teh child's point of view, often.. children question their parents when they object to their actions like continued use of internet or phone. they infact rebel saying they indeed get good marks.. so why should parents object...? They mostly find their parents having outdated values while during their time, they themselves might have got around the ways and norms. Yes.. the onus now is clearly on the parents... to be able to understand and then find the balance between being autocratic or being liberal with their children. May be, not to compare, or not to criticise, or even lecture, are some stop gap solutions to not further the disconnect, but at a time when there are no role models for kids, the parents do need to fill that shoes...by understand them.. so no matter, it may the second severence of the umblical cord, but, a little bit of understanding does go a long way in bringing that huddle back...
Thanks Bookworm for this lovely welcome!!
About your comment, actually i have nothing more to say. I agree with u completely. I too believe that we need to step back as a parent and MUST not be poking our noses in their personal spaces, the luxury which we never enjoyed while growing up ourselves!
It was the right of our parents to know exactly what we were up to. Personally speaking the very strict atmosphere during my teenage made me quite a rebel! much to my parents horror!!! just kidding on that!
The subtle point which i made was that feeling of stepping back, while all these years a parent kept hovering over the kid because it was needed for his well being, and then suddenly the parent has to switch to just being a spectator who would speak very sparingly, lest he loses the value of his words (parent i mean)
This feeling can only be understood when u become the parent of a teenager :)
tc
Another teenager speaks!! Thanks Prateek!
yes, very true, the personal space of the child is very important and should be respected and vice versa. I think, we parents try to take care of our children so so much now, that the children are forgetting that the parent too has a personal space.
Niket thanks a lot! i'm glad u liked that sentence :)
btw, Your disappearance from blogging world is being noticed :)
Coming to the comment, Open communication is really important. But generally speaking, communication becomes a little challenging too, as we tend to get judgmental about each other. Parents fear that their children will give in too much to peer pressure and children fear that the parents are still hanging on the old values or outdated knowledge of life. But still, nothing can be better than an open environment at home.
I disagree on one point Niket, the petty arguments of teenage DO ruin parent child relationship. Mostly father and son and mother and daughter relationships get sour during this time, if PARENTS fail to understand their children. Look around u'll find them.
The reason why most of the children hang on their parents despite the huge differences is our Indian value of " family" ( conforming to society) and/ or the dependence of the material type on the parents ( at times it can be greed too).
Reema, with the times changing so fast... can't say what's in store for us, parents!
Blasphemous Asthete, BA , as I call you - I'm not able to see ur comment in disqus. Read it in Blogger and was trying hard to post it here. Can u please repost it in Disqus form?
Btw, thanks a ton for writing that comment... i really value it.
Restless,
Very factual. Indeed parents have to know that a time comes when we need to let the child have his or her own space. We should teach the child right from young age for applying mind to differentiate right from wrong and take own decisions. However our upbringing should make the child sure that we are there for support even when we do not interfere.
Take care
This is one well written article. Well, the severing of umblical cord the second time is far more painful to us mothers- isn't it? And this is the time ego clashes develop, as you rightly point out. As a teenager i never saw eye to eye with my parents, especially my mother. I understood her love and care a bit later, but then, she was no more. When my son is growing up so fast, all i can feel is- Oh God, give me the power to understand my son...Great post! Worth the wait:)))
Yes, nice that you have touched upon this sensitive issue which almost all parents under go now a days.
i have two tiny tots-3 and 5 and I am dreading their teenage. They are quite a handful as of now with independent opinions- but im gonna miss the hugs and kisses!
Dear Sandy, welcome here :)
Don't worry dear you'll always get that, as kids remain kids even if they grow old, provided we have given them space to be themselves with us. But that's quite a challenge!
take care
Thanks Ayyangarji.
Regards
Thanks a ton dear! Glad that u cud related to it :)
I too was a terrible teenager, and i know how the misunderstandings of the teenage can hamper a relationship for a lifetime. So, i somehow give a lot of importance to emotional well being, apart from physical well being of a child (which generally is the emphasis for most of the parents).
All i can say is that we parents, can only do one thing - GROW UP WITH OUR CHILDREN ! That's why i named the Tag in this blog as this phrase ( all posts related to parenting).
Coincidentally, another co-blogger BA too mentioned about it.
tc
Very well said Jack uncle.
regards
Truly, it is the time when a parent in a bid to try to become the best
friend of his/her child may distance the child through incessant poking
or overzealous interest in what children might not want to share. And
wise parents know where to draw the line, because ultimately, it is the
parents to whom the child will ultimately go to seeking solace or advice
or even to share.
Teenage is a tough time emotionally, and the
parents would need to keep a check, but from a distance to ensure
nothing goes wrong.
You are a parent, and I am past my teenage. Only
one suggestion, though you might not actually need it, grow up with
children, like them, in mind. Your age of most fertile imbibing culture
and society was when you were in the stage your children are now in.
Modernize, not just outfits, but the way we think. Try to think like
them sometimes. And why I said that you might not actually need them,
because, you are Restless after all, dynamicism is innate. :)
Regards,
Blasphemous Aesthete
Yeah Restless, kind of busy...had exams and now busy with internship..btw had blogged on Mother's Day...do check it out...thanks :)
restless,
Well said. If you want your child to grow up into a person with values, then give him or her the opportunity to practice them. Take decisions through negotiation and be mindful about right an wrong are all parts of that . This is different from parents telling them what to do.
As usual your posts hit the right note and i remember shouting back at my parents and regretting it later but that all is a part of loife i guess..
Thanks a ton Anshul (Blasphemous Aesthete) for reposting ur comment here :)
Can't agree more with u on this aspect.
Very well expressed. Truely its a tough time when u r a teenager, and how i hated it!!
" Your age of most fertile imbibing culture and society was when u were in the stage your children are now in" well said! I would add "leaning new technology" to it!
Our children are picking up gadgets and learning them very quickly, while we feel lagged behind them. so outdated skills need to be updated from time to time.
Thanks a lot dear
Niket, will surely read it. It's much awaited. Let me get over my internet problems and I'll be visiting all my pals.
Prasannaragh, yes true. And i guess, this is amongst the most difficult things to do now a days! Parenting has got really tough now!
JalliEngineer,
As long as the behaviour is followed by a heart felt apology, it's fine. To be able to shout back also means that u have some space given to you.
tk care
That's a wonderful perspective of the mother. and really liked the way you brought up the comparison. but then, that is life I guess.
at every stage, we have things which takes us some time to digest - "first time when a kid calls you uncle/aunty instead of bhayya/didi" and stuff like that.
Great post, and a nice piece for all the parents.
Thanks Kumar Bibek :)
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